You know every year around this time, I swear that things will be different!! That I will handle my emotions a little better then last year!! Well I guess for the first time, I actually did!! But not necessarily for the best!! Most of you reading this, know that I lost 2, yes 2, brothers in a car accident many years ago, on a dark crisp night. My parents had a rule that if you weren't home on time, they would come looking for us. So it was my parents that found and called 911 after the truck they were driving, went off a 75 foot embankment. They had been coming home from the Homecoming football game and dance. I was 12 years old!! So needless to say, my life has changed a LOT since that night 18 years ago. Jared was 14 and Brian was 17, when they were killed, so this is the first year, that both of them have been gone longer then they were here on earth. Kind of a weird thought!! I often find myself wondering (just for a moment) what they would be like today. I'm curious and love all of my siblings so much!! I've always tried to put off the tears and pain that comes with this loss!! And while I know that this happened MANY years ago, and I know that they are in a better place, I'm still a little selfish and would rather not have to deal with the pains associated with death. The last couple of years have been super crazy for our family, not just for Brady and I, but my entire family, especially with the loss of my uncle, grandpa and cousin in less then a month. I've had a few friends and people I know very well, deal with death of either a child, a family member, and even with some themselves, here lately, and my heart always feels so much for their families, since I mostly know what's in store for each of them in the coming days, months and even years!!
So my change this year- well I wouldn't say that I handled things better this year. Just different!! I woke up the other morning, seriously in the WORST mood ever, and while I have a super understanding husband, I can't say the same for my little girls that seemed to be getting the brunt of this mood. J made a comment to me about being grouchy, and I just hugged her!! And in that moment, my heart broke!! Not for me, but for my parents!! I know how much I LOVE my beautiful little girls, and so I thought of loosing one of them, let alone both, and I just can't even wrap my head around that pain completely, nor do I ever want to!! I've known forever, that I have been blessed with the most amazing parents ever, but in this moment, I was just in awe as to how blessed I truly am!! My Dad can fix anything, and just has so much knowledge. He is super athletic, very honest and kind and just a strong man both mentally and physically. But this bear also has a super tender spot, especially for his kids and even more for his grandkids!! While he taught me how to work hard, he also taught me how to be kind and gentle, and honest in everything that I do!! And then there's my Mom!! She is one of my best friends!! She is outgoing, generous, loving, hilariously funny, so talented and so many more things that I want to be!! She is seriously the most amazing lady that I have ever met!! And lucky me, gets to call them Mom and Dad!! And my kids get to call them Grammy and Grandpa (unless J is calling them another name that day)!! I believe it takes a super strong person to loose a child, and I guess these 2 super strong people must be even more amazing then I've ever even thought!! I guess all I can say to them, is Thank you and I love you both so much!!!
There are major benefits to having kids!! They give you a whole new insight on sooooo many things!! Anyways, I have to change the subject from talking about my parents, they make me cry to much and I HATE to cry!! How in the world I married into the Bouwhuis family is beyond me!! They are all criers and they don't mind it at all!! My husband calls it refreshing, I call it annoying!! I despise it because I hate that my makeup runs down my face, that I can't hardly talk let alone to a point where anyone can understand me!! It's just not for me!! Anyways, so tomorrow(I guess it is now) as we remember these 2 brothers, my heart and prayers will be especially with my parents!! I'll be a good girl and go to church and you can more then bet, that I will be thanking my Heavenly Father for these amazing parents and each and every one of my siblings!! I really am a lucky girl to be blessed with the family that I have!! But even more, I'll make sure to give my adorable girls some extra loving and just count my blessings that they are part of my family and that I get to be their mommy!! And honestly, I feel blessed that I got to know my brothers!! That I got to spend time with them!! Heck I bet there wouldn't have been a Jaylee if I hadn't!! (The Jay part came from Jared, who's nickname was Jay.)
No comments:
Post a Comment